It’s over guys…sorry.

but I think I’m happier here, this way.

If you would like my personal blog, just message me in the ask up there, I’m not closing this one, not because I want hope to get back together (I ended it.) but for me to look back on when I’m older maybe, just maybe and say “hey, those were the good times.” before they were ruined. 

-K

AND WE’RE BACK!

Man, that was a while, huh? How was everyone’s holidays? 

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Moral of the story: Don’t give up, even when you think you want to, think it over, and talk. Talk talk talk TALK TALK, I can’t stress it enough. Also…>_> Don’t stay off of webcam for three weeks while you’re having your little arguments or tiffs or things like that…being on webcam today..for the first time in three weeks..oh my god OTL…why didn’t we do that sooner!? It made things soooo much better TT^TT I missed his voice so much without even realizing it before, it’s what I needed.

So yes…

Back to being 100%! 

-K

Within two weeks…did we get from there…to here?

And I don’t like where ‘here’ is…because I really don’t know where we are, or where we stand, and I know it’s my fault for not being able to handle this issue…I’m sorry I can’t just seem to act like it’s not there like you do…it’s still there..and I can feel it…

I miss you…but I miss the you that was two weeks ago…not the you now.

-K

And I’ve been thinking about this for a whole day now, I’ve had a whole day to process what went on yesterday, and have slept on it THREE TIMES. My views have not changed. There is a man…also known as my boyfriend…who is jealous of EVERYTHING THAT BREATHES AND WALKS AROUND IN MY EXISTENCE. Who makes me do this: 

and this:

but much more of the first one…and who has made me do this not once, but THREE TIMES in our relationship. I know three times may not seem a lot to you. Three times is a lot for me. Three times in this relationship he’s made me cry, and three times in this relationship he’s made me want to throw something whether it be at the wall or at his head to knock some sense into him. Three times. Three times in a past relationship, no, not even that, before, you make me cry ONE TIME, I’m DONE. But now…it’s a little different…I’m horribly angry and pissed off at our situation. I don’t feel comfortable enough to have a fight over a webcam with faulty connections as it’s not fair to either of us, so it’s left to texts and chats that I have no idea what the tone of his voice is. The meanings of those words are projected, and they come out much more hateful than they really are, but in his case are probably meant at the time. While I’m sitting on the other end doing fuck all nothing while his mind is somewhere off in mass jealousy land. It’s frustrating, it really is. I’m left, every time this happens, wanting to pull my hair out and wanting him to hug me at the same time, and all the while I want to shove him away…but I really would like for him to try to hug me again and again until I just give in and let him after the millionth time of shoving him away. That’s all I want. 

Jealousy pisses me off to no end. I don’t see why it has to be involved in a relationship. Can someone explain jealousy for me? Why do others feel it is necessary? I’m not saying I don’t get jealous. I do. But I find somewhere else to vent it because ultimately I trust my partner. I vent my jealousy through my work, I distract myself until I can be reassured by them. I paint, I draw, I write, whatever I need to get my frustrations out, and I wait for THEM to tell me what is going on, not my mind, and not my delusions of what is going on. I never take it out on them because it’s not fair to them. It’s just not fucking fair. Jealousy does not need to be involved in any relationship.

So why is it there? Why can’t you just trust your partner to be with you? Is it because you don’t trust the other person your partner is with and you don’t want them to hang out? Did you ever think that because you don’t trust the people your partner is with, and that you’re telling them not to hang out with them, that maybe, just maybe, you’re doubting their judgement? That’s not fair to them. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be worried about your partner, but there is a difference in worry and going off on them because of your insecurities. There is a difference in saying “I’m annoyed, and I don’t want you with them ever.” and “they make me really worried, could you please be careful because I just don’t trust them.” There is an EXTREME difference in those words. One is fueled by sheer jealousy, and the other is fueled by sincere worry and confusion. Of course, that being said, if it makes my partner uncomfortable, and in the case of my story, it also made me uncomfortable, the situation, so things were settled on my part, I wasn’t hanging out with that person anyways, and was trying to say there was nothing to worry about, offer a few soothing words. I wasn’t even thinking about it, doing that situation anyways because I knew we were both uncomfortable with it…but things got out of hand anyways over something so idiotic.

That being said, I would much rather hear the second option, it sounds much more like my boyfriend, honestly. It sounds like what he would tell me every day, and fits into his personality so much better than the first, and it’s what I would expect…but it’s not what I got, and last night was almost my breaking point. I decided to sleep on it, to get some rest, and to take the day to be with friends and get my camera ready for a show that is coming up. I slept on it again, and a smaller nap the third time and here I am finishing typing this up. I was very hurt last night, very much mentally scarred, and today I spent the better half trying to stitch the pieces back together. Normally by this point I would have thrown something and said I’m done. The relationship would be over. But I find myself sitting here…at midnight…drinking apple juice and wanting a hug from no one else but him. I can’t ignore that feeling. I’ve never wanted that feeling after a fight so it’s a little odd to me.

I actually miss him…and I want things to be back to normal so badly. But I know this is an issue we need to discuss. Me crying three times…is not something to be taken lightly. I know I can’t really change him. But isn’t a relationship about making each other a better person? For the most part he does that for me, except for this one part…it’s a huge part for me…and it hurts so badly that we both have to deal with it. I know I have my insecurities that he has to deal with as well, and we really need to talk about those soon. I don’t think that I can leave this topic untouched for much longer. Today I’m stitching myself back together, and tomorrow I will be a stronger person for it. I still love him, that is my final decision on it right now. I still love him, even if he makes me want to throw something at his head to knock some sense into him.

-K

Tonight I went to meet a classmate for a project presentation that is due tomorrow. I went at 4:30, we were done at 5:00…after that I spent at least an hour toddling around Target (kind of like Wal-Mart, but more advanced and with more homely items.) since it was near the book store, looking at things like sheets, bed sets, plates, silverware, laundry bins, even Christmas decorations…everything for our future house. I don’t even know what our future house is going to look like or how big it will be…

Yeah. I’m in love with this man, and the complete idea of a future with him.

-K

So I’m writing tonight just to write I guess. There is no real purpose…I guess I don’t feel as lonely as much as I’m acutely aware that I’m alone in this house, if that makes sense? My brother, sister-in-law, niece, and nephew came over to the house today. Normally this is awesome, and it was awesome today for the most part..but..okay yeah, I guess I am a little lonely. 

It’s getting colder here, so I’m having to bundle up. But of course I really want Shigeki here.  But I think we’ve finally set up a date (or around there abouts~) to meet face to face once and for all. So this post is gently titled ‘Day 231’ because well..we only have roughly 231 more days to go until we’re face to face and met with all of our love, awkwardness, smiles, insecurities, kisses, hesitant touches, and cuddles. I’m excited and nervous..so..so so so excited and nervous. I had a huge list of stuff for us to do, but now it’s escaped me and so I’ve been asking people what to do and…you know..I realized..I don’t really care what we do. And I don’t necessarily have it all planned, because really I would be happy just grocery shopping or cuddling in bed with the man. 

However, I don’t know if my family is taking this so seriously. They’re not realizing how big of a step this is. I mean, as much as I love saying our relationship is normal (which it is.) it kind of isn’t. And I’m kind of coming to terms with how people view our relationship. Specifically my family, I don’t think his family has many issues with it, but then again, we haven’t really discussed that because I really don’t care what they think when it comes down to it. And it’s not necessarily that my family has issues with it…they’ve become pretty supportive within the last few months (mainly my mother, brother, and sister-in-law. My father still has the habit of saying “Who?” -__-;;) However, it’s just a little nerve-wracking when I start thinking about my family meeting this man whom I think is pretty much the best thing that has ever happened to me. A.K.A. …I really don’t want my family to screw this up.

Do you guys have embarrassing family members? And it’s not that you don’t love them, it’s just that they probably really don’t know when to shut their mouths because not only are they insanely American but they’re Southern as well? Welcome to my family. My grandmother is an avid wine drinker and likes to drunk dial people, my mother talks with a cigarette hanging out of the side of her mouth, my brother is highly obnoxious, and my father is..well my father is my father, very cool, but very southern and traditional and…well..he thinks he’s mafia (when in fact he’s 1/2 Cherokee…not Italian..but could pass) But they’re all insanely kind people, I swear. They would offer you the shirt off of their back if you needed one and they are very hard working and family oriented. I love my family…they just have their quirks. 

So here is me…bringing this insanely wonderful man into the mix. A Japanese man. The first ever interracial relationship within my family (my immediate family at least, I have a distant -distant- cousin who is married to an african american man (who was disowned by my uncle -__-;;) And a great aunt who was married to a man from Bangladesh (which ended in her miscarrying her twins, him not being able to take it, and leaving her to go back to Bangladesh to fight a war..he never came back, and she never heard from him again…this is actually the saddest story from my family, but it’s also a story I love hearing from my great aunt because even at 70 something she still talks about him fondly and lovingly even though it has been 50 years.) So yeah…huge step. Massive step. On top of this, my family is still trying to wrap their heads around this whole LDR business, but that’s another story. I’m not entirely worried about the whole interracial thing, my parents are handling it well, and my mother is really looking forward to meeting him, as are my sister-in-law and brother. My father is too of course…but fathers are fathers and that’s entirely different. I haven’t had the chance to talk to my grandmother about it yet, nor my great aunt Iris, I know my grandmother will be supportive and Iris will be ecstatic. However, I’m still nervous, even though I’m excited, and they’re trying to be excited (I think the reason they aren’t taking it very seriously is the fact that they don’t think it’s really happening yet? I suppose I should give them time.)…I really just want everything to go smoothly.

I think out of my whole family, Iris is the one I relate to the most. I really would like for Shigeki to meet her. She always has the best stories (most are from Bangladesh.) and she’s so quirky! And always has the best food~~ Nothing is really southern or from one culture, nothing is ever the same, and she’s so culturally enriched. I really wouldn’t mind being like her when I’m older (minus tragic end in relationship.) I can’t wait for her to meet him, I know she’ll love him almost as much as I do. I really really hope that everyone loves him as much as I do. I know they will..I’m just really nervous. Like I said, I just want everything to go smoothly. And by smoothly I mean…oh god, please don’t let my family be embarrassing. 

-K

You know, my boyfriend is sexy…even when he’s being a perv. (I should probably put especially~)

At first I was like:

Then I was like:

But then I wound up like:

1st note to self: invest in more short shorts and tank tops for pajamas~ This could get interesting~

Why is he so sexy when calling me sexy?

2nd note to self: find ways to hear that more often. See 1st note to self.

-K

You know, I may not have a boyfriend who can keep me company 24/7 while I’m sick just yet…

But I -DO- have a boyfriend who is AWESOME and is going to play Janken with me on webcam tomorrow.

Being sick has its perks? 

Culture Note: Janken is Japanese ‘Rock, Paper, Scissors’ with 10,000 (actually I think it has 4, normal, ‘achi mite hoi’ which I’m horrible at but it’s fun anyways, kansai version, and one where you cross your arms and have double options.) variations. I’m only good at one, and the chanting sometimes escapes me because I laugh so hard. We’ll see how this goes. ^^

Side Note: I am easily amused. Most girls want soup, gifts, or someone to cuddle with..and you know…those things would be nice (mainly the cuddles) but…you know..it’s just so awesome to play Janken with your boyfriend when you’re sick. I’m going to be laughing like crazy, which is good for healing. This is going to be so much fun. I’m getting really excited!

-K